Anonymous asked: So I just read your post regarding drug use and I just have to say that I completely agree with you. People think that drugs are fun and not that big of a deal but they don't understand how it affects the people around them. This past New Years Eve my younger brother almost overdosed and I had to give him cpr so that he wouldn't die on me. I've never been more scared about anything in my entire life. Sadly, he still isn't taking what happened seriously. I wish more people thought like you.
Hello, friend.
First off, I want to apologize if this response is out of sorts. I’ve been pretty out of sorts lately, so it wouldn’t surprise me if the translation of words you’re about to read is equally out of sorts. Second, I want to say that I wasn’t neglecting your message. As you may or may not know, I don’t always reply to anonymous messages like yours for the simple fact that I’m never sure if the author really wants his or her business posted on the internet or just wants a safe place to vent without showcasing private matters to the world. Sounds strange, I know, but it’s always a concern of mine. Anyway, in this case, it wasn’t so much a hesitancy to post your story, but merely a fact of… Just needing some time. To read it over and over again. To think about it over and over again.
Addiction has been something that’s been present in my life for as long as I can remember. That’s not some segue for me to start throwing out my past for everyone to read about; I just wanted you to know that I may not understand exactly what you’ve gone through, because it’s different for everyone, but I can definitely relate.
I can relate to being scared. Being scared in the moment. Being scared of the future, immediate and long-term. I know what it’s like to look at someone and try to mentally prepare yourself for the inevitable. I know what it’s like to look at someone and not be able to stop yourself from thinking that you’re only counting down the days ‘til you’re at a funeral. I know what it’s like to go through this same routine with so many people in your life that you just become numb to it after a while. And God, I wish I didn’t.
One of the shittiest aspects of addiction is that you really can’t force an addict to change. You can’t make him quit. You can’t make him go to rehab. That’s a sad truth that usually no one wants to hear, but everyone needs to hear. Well, alright… You could “force” him to do those things, but it wouldn’t count. People need to change because they want to change. If they’re just doing it to appease someone, it’s not genuine. And if it’s not genuine, the chances of them reverting back to old habits and behaviors are overwhelming good. I’ve seen it. Maybe that makes me biased, but I’ve seen it so many times that it’s difficult for me to not see it that way.
I spend my life with someone who constantly believes it’s possible to change the behavior of addicts. That it’s possible to break them of their habits. That it’s possible to make them sober up. But it’s just not, not if those people don’t want to change, not if they don’t believe they have a problem. No matter how many times this person is proven wrong, the mentality doesn’t change. And for me, that’s frustrating. How many times do you have to let yourself get hurt or disappointed before you walk away? I know the idea of turning your back on someone you love and care about seems impossible, but sometimes tough love is the only way.
I say that, but… To be honest, my love and dedication to this person puts me in the default position of constantly having to deal with the other person. I’ve distanced myself over the years, but can I really walk away? Can I really just say “fuck you” and leave them all to fend for themselves? Those are questions I contemplate on a daily basis. Sometimes, I think I can. But most of the time, I know I can’t. Because really… How can you walk away from someone you love?
And that’s the shittiest part. That’s why addiction doesn’t just destroy the life of the addicts but the lives of the people around them. Maybe nothing bad has happened to you. (And this is a general “you”). Maybe nothing bad will ever happen to you. Maybe you’ll never be affected by addiction. And, you know, I hope you’re not because it honestly fucking blows, and I’d never wish you to have to deal with it. But don’t dare try and tell people that “it’s not a big deal, ” that “it’s not that serious,” or that “they’re overreacting,” ‘cause that’s just bullshit.
As for you, my anonymous friend, I know I got this message a while ago, so I can only hope that things have started to look up for you and your family since then. I hope things are better. I hope your younger brother has since taken what happened seriously and set out to change his behavior. If you need to talk or vent, my ask box is always open. Clearly, I’m not always timely with tumblr responses, but I’ll get there. If it’s an emergency, if you’re feeling particularly heavy, you can always ask for an even more direct way of contacting me.
Have a fantastic night, everyone. I hope tomorrow brings a lot of love and laughter to all of you.
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